So it is officially the run-up to Valentine’s Day, or as my friend @sadhcrazy likes to call it, ‘Single Awareness Day’. Because that is exactly what it is to us singletons. A day when couples all over the world are showering each other with love and affection (whether they want to or not), while us singletons come up with something to do that evening to shift the focus away from being single again on Valentines Day.
Well I’d like to tell you why that is exactly what I would like to be doing on this auspicious occasion.
I often get the whole ‘Candice, why are you still single’ enquiry. Like it is an unbelievable state of being for ‘someone like me’. Let me give you a brief run-down of some of my recent romantic encounters and I think that will answer that question (names have obviously been changed for anonymity reasons).
Let’s start with ‘Juan’. Juan is the boyfriend that every girl wants. Juan wants to massage your feet while you watch TV and run you a bath after you’ve had a really hard day. Juan also likes to flip a switch in his brain at any given moment to turn into a screaming, swearing, searing dragon. You can turn from ‘gorgeous angel’ to ‘heinous bitch’ in 3,4 seconds, if you just choose Juan as your long term partner. You don’t even need to do anything.
Enter Jeffrey. Jeffrey is sauve. Jeffrey has money and loves to spend it. On you. Whatever you want. Jeffrey also sucks up your soul and owns you. Jeffrey has his talons in your chest and rips and turns them every time that it seems like you’re going to escape. But don’t worry, the brand new Gucci shades hide the screaming pain behind your eyes.
And Dave. Dave is confident. Dave is friends with everyone. Dave is fun and Dave is connected. Dave only knows how to think about Dave. Even the amount of times I’ve mentioned Dave in this sentence can’t possibly be enough for Dave. Dave likes bums. Dave is obsessed with bums. You should be honoured to have Dave grab your bum. What do you mean, you’re not interested? Dave is big on Twitter, for goodness sake.
Do I need to continue? I have loads more where that came from.
So I think it is now fairly obvious as to why I am thoroughly relieved (read ecstatic) to be single on Valentines Day.
Life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. That’s my quote. Be sure to credit me.